Facing your fears, one year later
May 25, 2018
Just a short personal post for you all before anything else. (Yes I know I need to update my pop culture tag) I wanted to write a little something about facing your fears as it has been an achievement on my part and I felt like sharing it.
Around this time last year, we just moved into our new condo, which was 15 stories higher than our old one. Though I was sad to leave our old condo which was our home ever since I was born, it was also an exciting time as well because I was finally going to have my own room and we would have a bigger space in general. It was a new experience I was willing to embrace as I let go of my old home.
So imagine how much it affected me when, two weeks since moving in, an earthquake shook the metro and my new condo, which was way higher than our old one, swayed with it. I was still trying to settle in with the fact that I was in a new place now and I had to move on from our old home, and honestly it was really so difficult but I was getting there. But then the earthquake came.
It wasn't even a strong earthquake. It was only intensity 5 (though some consider that already strong) but thank goodness no one got hurt. Well, except maybe me. I didn't get hurt physically but mentally. It was my first time to feel an earthquake while being that high up in a building. I've never actually felt an earthquake, like being in a room that was really swaying. Given that fact, I panicked and didn't do the usual drop, cover and hold technique. Instead, I got my bunnies and held them really close to me, because I felt they were afraid too. In fact, Oreo was acting very strange earlier that evening. And then I knew why later on. Then when I thought it was done, I did the stupidest thing - I stood up. Apparently, the room was still swaying. I got dizzy and panicked and my anxiety just blew everywhere until it finally stopped swaying.
For many weeks after that, I would burst out into tears because I thought the room was shaking. I developed intense paranoia and would always be on the lookout if the door or curtain was swinging. I have this pendulum clock in my room that tricks me into thinking it's moving stronger than it should. I didn't sleep in my room for months; I was too scared. I was scared when my bunnies started acting strange and restless. My therapist had said that I might have had PTSD afterwards. I even opened up on Facebook; surprisingly there was a lot of support but there was also a lot of backlash. It really was a tough time for me.
Weeks turned into months. I still felt the paranoia from time to time; I would suddenly freak and ask my mom if it was shaking. But slowly I started sleeping in my room again. I was able to look at my clock and doors again and say, if it was really swaying, then the other heavier things like the shelf would be swaying too. I also learned to not jump to conclusions whenever my bunnies would start thumping their feet. The paranoia was still there, definitely, but I learned how to control my emotions about it.
Now, exactly one year later, I finally have the courage to write about it. And I feel proud that somehow, I was able to face my fear. I definitely did not overcome it, but I faced it. The reality is no one knows when an earthquake will happen; all I do whenever the thought hits me is I simply pray. It helps me calm down. I've also been on my own adventures since then; traveling has helped me a lot (especially when the plane takes off, it helps me get over the "shaking" paranoia).
If there's one thing I learned from my mental health conditions, it's that we have to accept it as a part of ourselves. The more we fight it, the more it makes us vulnerable. Having these mental illnesses does not make a person weak. It's a part of us, but it's not a flaw. It can be seen as something that allows us to grow and learn. I know it sounds cliche, but I did learn it myself, even if it was the hard way.
I still struggle, I can tell you that. I actually even had an anxiety attack few minutes before typing this. But personally, I've accepted it, and I try not to be ashamed of it. It's part of who I am now, but I don't let my fears and anxieties define me alone. I know I'm much more than that, but then again, life is not made up of only the good stuff. :)
♥, Murgaloo
Photos from Unsplash
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