Dealing With Trauma
July 18, 2017 |
| Photo via WeHeartIt |
So. I've been thinking for the entire day on how I'm going to be writing this post. It's mostly based off personal experience, of course.
Every one of us has gone through something traumatic. More or less it's inevitable. Anything can be traumatic for us--a break-up, verbal, physical or emotional abuse, accidents, disasters. It could be anything that left us really scarred and unable to live without its painful memory. Probably even something as horrible as if your life depended on it. Sometimes we really can't avoid these circumstances and it really does happen to us at some point.
So I'm going to share my experiences, as well as how I'm currently dealing with them. I'm no psychologist but somehow I hope it helps others too!
If you've been reading my About Me section, you may have read somewhere there that I suffer from PTSD. This was the result of a [minor] earthquake last May. It was only magnitude 3 and the epicenter was actually far from where I live. Why did it affect me so much though? Because that's the first time I felt it from a top floor. All my life I was used to living on the third floor of a low-rise apartment. I've felt earthquakes before but I was never this scared. Now we live on the 18th floor of a somewhat hi-rise condo. So I definitely felt it. And at that moment, I don't understand why I really panicked. The room was spinning, and I was running around looking for my rabbits so I could hold them. I think that was the point where I got extremely traumatized. I even vomited after (not sure because of the dizziness or because of the stress or both, ugh). Obviously, the first thing to do during an earthquake is to duck, cover and hold. I didn't even stay put lol. So yes, I panicked and it resulted to my situation right now.
You see, this happened when I was in my own home. So the reminder of the incident is still there. Before I get to my main points, I'm going to sideline a bit and compare another traumatic incident that happened to me four years ago. I was on my way home from school. I was a first year college student at the time. I rode a jeepney on the way home as I do daily. It was 4 o'clock in the afternoon, broad daylight. Around 10 minutes into the ride, when the jeep stopped at the first traffic light, this guy stood up and I thought he was going to get off. Suddenly he got out a knife and said in Tagalog, "If any one of you will scream, I will kill all of you." I tell you, it was like one of those nightmares that you wish you could wake up from. (Actually, as I write this, the memory still rings fresh and I felt a sudden trance of fear and anxiety again.) But anyway, long story short, he wanted my iPhone 4. I refused at first because a) that was my life and b) I was panicking and I didn't know what to do. Then he put the knife by my side and taunted me again that if I didn't give it, he will hurt me. So in the end, I gave in. And they were gone, just like that. The tears that I cried that day were really immeasurable. There was another passenger on the jeep who seemed like a father and tried to speak to me. He witnessed what happened and tried to calm me down. I was 10 minutes away from my house and I was completely in shock. He kindly offered to take me until the lobby guard of our building until my mom herself came down to fetch me. Later on the police came so that I could file a complaint but I was too stunned to even talk. I think I barely said a word for the rest of the evening, and I didn't even go to class the next day. That wretched day was really one of the worst, if not the total worst experience of my life.
Now going back. What's the difference of the two scenarios? Aside from the fact that one is a natural disaster and the other is pure human evil, it's the location where it happened. Now I've been seeing a therapist for a while and these are the things he advised to me in order to forget such traumatic events.
1. Cry.
Honestly this is the easiest thing to do. Trauma develops anxiety. And in my case, I already had anxiety when the trauma happened. Naturally, as human instinct permits, when one gets scared, the immediate reaction is to cry. When I have my panic attacks, I literally must cry. Otherwise the pain in my chest doesn't go away. The actual feeling of having a panic attack is not being able to breathe. In order to breathe properly, I have to cry it out. The pain, not breathing and the tears are the physical versions of anxiety. So basically, when you get scared, and later on have flashbacks that trigger your trauma, just let it out and cry. There is nothing wrong with that.
2. Avoid any reminders of the incident.
Okay here's where I compare the two situations I shared earlier. The jeepney scenario happened in a busy street near the train station. This was my usual route from home to school and school to home. After the incident, I literally never passed there again. At least for the rest of my college years. I took a different route every day via another vehicle/car. I never ever rode a jeepney again either. I swore I would never ride one ever again. Years passed and I slowly could pass by the area again but I never took a jeepney in the area. I never got down either. I would only pass it if I was in a car and/or with my parents or a companion. I was also able to ride a jeepney again but only in the province, never in Metro Manila. Up to this day, I still do only these. You can say I got over it (of course not entirely) but at least I was able to forget the incident.
And to think that that jeepney incident was more traumatizing than the earthquake incident. But getting over the earthquake incident is much more difficult. Why? Because it freaking happened in my own house. What am I supposed to do, avoid my own house? It's hella difficult, but it's actually what I've been doing for the last two months. I've been occasionally staying in the countryside with my parents. There are times when I need to be down in the city, but this is not consistent. It's really difficult, not to mention extremely tiring, but it's the only way. The trauma has not really gone away completely because I'm not consistent in avoiding my condo. It's a pretty stupid and impractical idea of course, but I really have no choice.
3. Accept what happened.
Now this is where I'm going to say "watch me not follow my own advice". You can say I'm good at giving them but most of the time I don't even follow them lol. This is the most difficult thing to do when recovering from a trauma.
Earlier I said I got over the jeepney incident, but I'm not exactly sure that I've accepted it. Maybe I have, in a way. I realized that it was an iPhone 4 in exchange for my life. No thanks. I also realized that maybe that was a lesson for me as well that I should be more careful while in public places - especially in places such as that. (The area is a very busy area and it's known for a lot of hold-ups and pick-pocketing, so I'm not really surprised.) Maybe I shouldn't have worn my earphones that day and I might have been spared. But I put all of it behind me now. So yes, I guess you can say that I accepted that it happened to me.
However, for the earthquake incident, it's still very very fresh as it only happened two months ago. I find it really difficult to just accept it and move on because again, it involves my own home. Since the incident, I've been having difficulty sleeping in my own room so I sleep with my mom in her room. I've been having random episodes of dizziness most of the time in the condo (I have few episodes outside as well but it happens more often at home).
Moreover, it's difficult to accept because it's a natural disaster and one no one can predict. We can't control it either. Unlike with the jeepney incident, I can actually have those goons imprisoned if I wanted to. To add to that, the country is actually anticipating "The Big One", an estimated 7.2 magnitude earthquake caused by the movement of the West Valley Fault. This will affect the Metro most of all because it's situated right on top of the fault. And in case it slipped your mind, I live on the freaking 18th floor. How's that for a life.
At this point, I'm doing everything that I can in order to be progressive and proactive despite the triggering factors. Every once in a while I consult with my therapist on ways in which I can live a life without fearing every day that the building will once again shake. I also seek a lot of guidance from our priest friend and other friends from Church. Little things like these help in my therapy, and I'm really grateful.
Basically, it's difficult to get over a trauma. I've read articles that say PTSD really depends on the person and his/her attitude towards recovering from it. Of course staying positive is one of the most suggested advices, but it's actually the most difficult. As I mentioned earlier, acceptance is not that easy either. It all depends on the person if they wish to live life as normal as they could. And I'm trying my best at that, I promise. I hope those going through the same situation do too!
♥, Murgaloo
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